On friendships
It's possible to make friends YOUR way
As someone who was mercilessly bullied from nursery through to the end of my A-levels, I figured that friends were something other people had. But I still thought it was possible. A few decades later and I’ve finally learnt how to ‘do’ friends the neurodiverse way. Here are some AuDHD-friendly musings:
Focus on what doesn’t change about people. I could never figure out how people knew what to say that made people like them. Social rules seemed to change all the time and I could never keep up. In time I clocked that I should instead focus on what always remains the same: people’s need for validation. We all worry that we’re not good enough, that we don’t matter. As a result, I always decide to bring something positive to every conversation where I focus what the other person needs to feel validated. This ranges from complimenting someone’s work to saying how I appreciate their efforts. Importantly, I ensure I mean what I say, as people can spot insincerity. Not only does this help the other person, but focussing on them distracts me from feeling anxious.
Use tools to remember the ‘little’ things. My memory is a sieve, but I’ve realised it needs to be water tight when it comes to friends. This is because the ‘little’ things - remembering a birthday or the date of a job interview - matters. I can’t make my ‘little things’ memory better, so I’ve outsourced it to digital tools. For example, whenever someone tells me a date that is important to them, I immediately put it into my phone calendar so that I remember to message them beforehand. I also set weekly reminders to send greetings messages to a few people, such as a Monday morning ‘hello’. The impact on friendships isn’t immediate, but over time it builds trust and and draws friends to me in a way that doesn’t burn me out.
Manage your ‘people’ vs ‘self-care’ time as boundaries. Decades of ostracising has instilled in me a strong need to please others. Combined with limited interoception (awareness of internal physical and emotional senses) and an inability to grasp others’ intentions, I can easily burn myself out trying to maintain (toxic) friendships. To compensate I try to stick to 1-2 social engagements in a day, with several hours either side to recover (especially if I find the person or situation emotionally draining), as well as days in the week where I do solo self-care activities. Having ‘people’ and ‘self-care’ times are good boundaries that also make others feel valued, as I’m making time for them, rather than fitting them in. Further, I get early red flags if someone tries to walk over these boundaries, as it indicates they think their needs are more important than mine - and this makes it easier for me to say no to them.
We’re taught by society that we need to build and maintain friendships in a particular way. This isn’t universal or neutral but based on the extraverted neurotypical model. We must remind ourselves that just because our brains are different doesn’t mean we are not worthy of good friends. What is important is finding the right way to build them based on what works for our brains so that friends add to our lives, rather than burning us out.