On your feelings being valid

Just because other people don't feel them, doesn't mean they aren't true

@shewearssocksReplying to @slacks I hope this answers your question. I deliberately chose “small” things to share rather than deep traumas. I think this experience of having our experiences denied is very common, because other people are not experiencing it so they may think we’re imagining it. . #autistictraits #gaslighting #neurodivergent #autisticadult #autisticwomenoftiktok

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I watched this video a week ago and it made me think. A lack of empathy with people who look, sound, think or act differently to us is, sadly, a thing. That includes denying how someone else feels. AuDHD folk have had their feelings denied most of their lives, being told we’re wrong or lying. How we express ourselves has even been pathologised as disorderly symptoms, such as ‘emotional dysregulation’ or ‘blank affect’. As a result, we tend to internalise these criticisms and end up burning out from trying to stifle our feelings or not displaying them in a way that makes other people feel uncomfortable.

When you’re feeling emotional about something and you’re worried about how you might come across, consider the following:

1. We live in a patriarchal system that punishes displays of (negative) emotion. Telling someone they’re ‘being emotional’ is rooted in misogyny (dismissed as a feminine ‘weakness’) and creates the social justification of punishment. Being ‘emotional’ is a perfectly natural experience - it is the stifling of feelings that is not ok.

2. No-one can deny your feelings. You can accept that you might not have all the facts about a situation, or maybe you’re being triggered, but no-one can tell you what you feel or that what you feel is wrong/ too much/ too little, etc. You feel what you feel and it reflects reflect your truth at this moment.

3. Other people’s feelings are THEIR problem. Someone else might feel uncomfortable at how you express yourself, but unless you’re causing them physical or emotional harm, their reaction to you is actually their problem. You are not responsible for how someone else feels.

You are responsible for your own feelings and, if those feelings are harming you, you would benefit from learning why you feel them and tackling the root cause. However, in the face of criticism or denial from others, remember that your feelings - just as much as your things, your lifestyle, your identity - belong to you alone.